The Endless Guessing Game

It's amazing how my weight plays such a role in my life.. I completely go into hiding when I feel shitty about myself.  I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to leave my house, and honestly, I just want to eat all day and cry about it!  Well, here I am... officially 30 years old (my birthday was last Wednesday) and down 9 pounds since my Lapband surgery last February.  It's sickening to me that I have failed so miserably with my band.  I decided two weeks ago it was time to get my life back in order.. so I set up my physical with my primary doctor which I haven't been to since last January as well as an appointment with my surgeon who I haven't seen since August!  I'm hoping that these appointments will help me get back on track mentally.  I also (and secretly) e-mailed my surgeons office in regards to a Lapband Reversal surgery to the Sleeve.  In my heart, I truly think that my band isn't a strong enough tool for me.  Although, I don't think I've given it my all in quite some time, I find it just as difficult with my Lapband as it was without it.. that in itself makes me question the point of it.  I feel like I've become more of a bulimic than a bariatric patient.  I've heard great things about the Sleeve.. some negatives as well.. for example, I found someone who had the Sleeve done and was in the hospital endlessly! I'm still very torn, but I don't feel that it's a bad thing to go and talk to my surgeon about.  I wish my mom and sister were more supportive... I mean, they still don't support me having the band, not to mention me getting 3/4 of my stomach cut off permanently.  But, just like my Lapband surgery, this is something I need to do for myself.  I mean, who knows.. maybe if I just put my mind into it more, then it will work.  Maybe I just need to trick myself into believing I'm full?  In the 14 months I've had my Lapband, I could probably tell you on two hands how many times I actually felt full.... And when I say full, I don't mean the "stuck-full" which is when you can't eat anymore because you're stuck.  I fee like my life has been an endless guessing game for the past 14 months of whether I'm hungry or full or stuck or able to eat something... hopefully there's a solution somewhere in my future...