I've Decided This For Me

I don't even know where to begin... I've decided that 2013 is going to be my year!  Let me rewind a bit... after I fell off the bandwagon from my Power 90 kick back in 2011, I have watched my weight increase and my self esteem decrease. I feel like I am officially at the lowest point in my life in terms of how I feel about myself.  Fast forward to October 2012 when I went to my friend's house and her mother's boyfriend had the Gastric Sleeve and he looks fantastic! I was very blow away at his transformation. He and I got to talking (I never heard of the sleeve) so he taught me about that and talked to me about his entire journey so far. He was off insulin, and all of his "numbers" we back to normal.  I went home in such astonishment and it lead me to the computer to do some research on weight loss surgery (WLS). 

My house after Hurricane Sandy

I've always thought about WLS, but I was always too scared to look into it because I knew my mother wouldn't approve and I looked at it as the easy way out (I admit it).   After researching all of my options (Gastric Bypass, Gastric Sleeve, and LapBand) I decided that the LapBand was the one I was most interested in.  So after much research and joining message boards to talk to others who had the LapBand, I found a doctor who participated in my insurance.  To be sure, I called my insurance company and confirmed that this doctor was in my plan.  So, without talking to my mother about this, I registered for a seminar. I kept telling my mom I needed her to be available on 11/6/12 because I had a "meeting" I needed her to come with to.  Sure enough, she figured it out after a few days of me constantly reminding her about this "meeting" and the rampage began.. I was told endlessly that she did not approve of this and is only going to appease me.  Well, the Hurricane Sandy happened and being stuck in my boyfriends house for just about a week with no electricity in the surrounding area, all we did was eat Halloween candy and junk food.  As fun as it was in the moment, I also felt utterly disgusting.  My boyfriend and I kept talking about how much we needed to change our lifestyle.  I knew right then and there that I truly do have a problem with food and that WLS is the way to go for me.  Unfortunately, much to my dismay, the LapBand seminar never happened although my mom and I tried to attend.  My mom kept saying it was a sign and I did start believe it. 

I talked my to boyfriend, who I spoke to from the beginning about my thoughts about the LapBand, and he encouraged me to not give up and register for another seminar. I found on on December 6th and registered for that one. My sister came with me to that (my sister and my mom feel the same way about the surgery) and dinner before the seminar was very tense and awkward. Well, we went to the seminar and my sister did learn a little about it.  When I got home, my mom, sister, and I all sat and talked about everything. Eventually, I broke down in tears explaining how unsupported I felt and opened up to them about how hard life is for me because of my weight.  I felt like I finally broke through to them about my struggles and they were crying with me.  They understood why I'd look into this and of course they want me to be happy, but I have a track record of being successful on diets- short term.  That is what they did not understand.. if I was able to commit to a diet, even for a month like I did with Power 90 and lose 25lbs, if I just stayed with it longer I would have lost more weight.  But that's the point.. I have never been able to stick with a diet long enough to keep the weight off and maintain that lifestyle.  I'm sick of constantly dieting...my whole life has been on giant diet.. when does it stop?! Ultimately, what I told my mom was, "I am 28 years old.  I know what I need for myself and my life.  I have made the decision- if insurance covers this procedure, then I will get the LapBand.  I don't care if you approve of this or not.. I am a grown woman and am not going to make this decision based on whether you approve or not.  I'm not looking for you approval, I'm looking for your support."  I think she may have been taken back by this, but it felt really good to stand up for myself.  I mean, this was something I decided on my own.  I did my own research, I weighed out the pros and cons, I called my insurance company to find out about what was covered or not, etc, I found the doctor, I set up all of these appointments... I did this- on my own- for ME. 

Come December 11, 2012- my first appointment at my surgeons office... little did I know it was going to be a 3 hour appointment!  The entire ride to the doctors office my mom and I were talking about it... it was a tough conversation (as was every conversation about this procedure). I constantly heard I don't agree with this along with all of my other options I had available to me.  Oh, and I heard about the endless list of people who were successful on other diets! Okay, that's great for them! I'm happy they lost weight! Too bad that didn't work for me, because I wish it did.  So we go into the doctor's office and one of the girls comes and calls me into a room where I got weighed and they did a bunch of other assessments on me (blood pressure, heart rate, temperature, and body composition).  I weighed in at a jaw dropping weight of 311 lbs.  OMG! This is the most I've EVER weighed. How could I have let myself go this far? What am I doing to myself?!  Well, I tried to keep it a secret from my mom, but once we met with the Nurse Practitioner, the secret was out. When she said my weight, I felt my heart start pounding and I looked at my mom who just closed her eyes, sighed, and looked down in such disappointment. I felt so low... I felt the same way about myself as my mom did.  After meeting with the Nurse Practitioner, we met with the Nutritionist who talked about what my lifestyle is like now, what it will be like with the LapBand and how to start making changes.  After that, we met with the girl in charge of dealing with my insurance.  She broke the news that the LapBand... was 100% covered by my insurance without any pre-op diet requirement! MUSIC TO MY EARS!!! I did my research with my insurance, but I never got a definitive answer. My mom knew that this meat I was definitely getting this done so she looked at me with this face- smiling to try to hide her face of disapproval and fear. She mentioned that the wording in my insurance doesn't list LapBand as a covered procedure but she's dealt with this with another patient and it worked out.  I was nervous but still had high hopes.  She said she was going to call my insurance and my local union to figure all of this out.  I received a check list of 8 things I needed to do before I got my surgery.  I had to do items 1-3 prior to my next doctors appointment with my surgeon on January 8, 2013.  

My mom did not think I was still too serious about this entire thing.. or maybe she knew but hoped I would change my mind. I give her credit because her persistence on trying to make me change my mind was unstoppable! Come Christmas Break from work- my mom went to Jamaica and I had 11 days off! Well, what did I do in those 11 days? Every doctors appointment I needed! I met with a psychologist, pulmonologist, the doctor who did my Endoscopy, I had my Upper GI Series done, I received my letter of medical necessity from my primary doctor, and my blood work done (12 viles of blood which took two separate times because the first time they couldn't get blood from me). 

January 8, 2013- my second appointment at the doctor's office (I needed items 1-3 done on my checklist) weighing in at 313.  Well, the first thing the doctor tells me is, "wow, normally people who come to this appointment only have the first few items done." I said, "um, I have everything done. I want this done now." He just laughed and agreed that I had everything done.  What a nice man this Dr. Rivera is.  He sat with my mom and I an answered any and all questions we (more like my mom) had.  Next on the list was picking a surgery date.... as long as my insurance covered it.

January 14, 2013- I spoke with Keri ( the insurance girl at the doctors office) who told me that my insurance and union are still being fussy- she was almost positive that it was covered- doctor visits may not be but she was instructed to set a date and send it in for approval and see what they said.  We talked about the possibility of appealing it if it was denied, etc.  We set it for February 6, 2013... I had a bad feeling in my stomach that it was going to get denied.  Not only did I look through my insurance manual about what was covered and/or excluded, but I called my HR rep and spoke with her and did plenty of research online. I found appeal companies and found out key wording in appeal letters in case.... Now I wait. How long will this take? I'm not going to get approved. It says it only covers gastric bypass... I have no other health conditions.. just a high BMI. 

January 16, 2013- A snowy Wednesday morning.. yay for a delayed opening at work! So, I woke up and took my time getting ready for work.  I ate breakfast, took a shower, and dilly-dallied around my room.  My cellphone rang and I saw it was Dr. Rivera's Office.  I had no idea who this was and why they were calling, so I picked up the phone really clueless about what this was about.  Here's the conversation... "Hello?" "Goooood Morning!" Ohhhh it's Keri! " ::laughing:: hiiii, how are you?" "I'm good.. I'm calling with some good news!" "Oh my god!!" "You were approved for surgery!" "OMG!!!!! YAY!!!!!" There was more to that conversation afterwards, but that was the best part! I hung up the phone and ran to tell my mom! It was probably exactly what she did not want to hear, especially since she found out the day before that she needed to get knee surgery again on the knee she had surgery on 3-months prior.  I ran back to my room and texted my sister, who also congratulated me but did not seem thrilled.  Then, I ran over to my mirror and had one of those self talks about how excited I was and how life changing this will be, and ultimately told "Fat Jennifer" her time was almost up!  A few tears ran down my face in utter joy (and nerves).  A few minutes later, I was getting ready for work, and my mom was going to head out the door and I was just smiling ear to ear.  She was downstairs and I was upstairs on the balcony talking to her, but I had tears in my eyes.  I didn't want her to see, so I walked away.. too late, she noticed. I just said I was so happy and started crying and walking away and she told me to come downstairs.  I walked downstairs crying and saying my life is going to change and she just hugged me and kissed me (also crying) and told me she is very happy for me! 

So, here I am, January 22, 2013- 2 weeks and 1 day before surgery- still struggling to get on some sort of a diet, endlessly on the LapBandTalk Message Boards, reading books on my Kindle and getting more and more excited every day!  I can't wait for this change!! Of course, I'm nervous that I'll fail because that's all I've ever known when it comes to dieting.  What I'm happy about, though, and hope really happens, is that the LapBand will help me understand what full means as well as keep me fuller longer so I wont get a change to binge because I won't be hungry.  Also, if I do try to overeat, it will make me sick and then I won't be able to.  Over all, this is going to be a tool.. a backbone for me to lean on when I'm feeling weak, mentally.  I know that the LapBand is 97% based on what I put into it and I am fully prepared for it.  I'm ready to change and I'm ready to reach my goal weight and live the life I've always wanted to!

Yes I Will!