One Week Left!

Okay, so first of all... ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!!! AHHH! It's very surreal! I'm SO beyond excited for this and starting to get some butterflies! I still don't believe I am actually getting this done! I mean, this is (hopefully) what will finally put an end to my unhealthy, obese, self-conscious life! As hard as I've tried in the past, I never truly pictured myself ever reaching my goal weight... it's scary to know that this can get me there.  It's going to open my eyes to a hidden world I've never seen before so it's hard to imagine.  I can't picture waking up and looking in the mirror and seeing the image of a person I truly think looks good.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself by any means. I do think I'm pretty and I do embrace my curves as much as possible, but if I didn't have a problem with how I looked, would I have ever considered getting LapBand?  Anyway, looking in the mirror at a skinny Jennifer?! WHAT??? Looking at me with jeans and knee high boots?! Walking up a flight of stairs and not being out of breath?! Being able to cross my legs?! Easily fitting into seats on airplanes and roller coasters without a problem?! Best of all... going in a bathing suit without the fear of people staring at me.  That's the life I want. That's what I am aiming for and I'm so high on LapBand right now that I want to grab that life and never let go! Wow.. these are my last days being "Fat Jennifer"... she's all I've ever known.  I'm going to write her a letter the night before my surgery... :)

What makes this okay?

Anyway, so another one of my coworkers (who I never personally told about my surgery) asked me about my surgery today. I snapped at her and asked her how she found out.  We had some words back and forth and I apologized to her about how snippy I was.  I wasn't mad at her for asking- I know it was out of genuine interest and support.  She's an addict her self- she's sober from drugs but after that she became addicted to other things also, so she understands what I'm feeling.  We had a cry together today and she hugged me and cried with me.  We were talking about how people will treat me different after I lose the weight and how I need to be prepared for it.  It wasn't that that made me cry... it was that people now treat me different just because I'm fat.  I just kept saying to her "people are mean.  They're so mean."  It was like I couldn't stop.. I just got so filled with emotion about what a jaded society we live in, especially when it comes to any sort of disability (yes, I'm even talking about my weight).  People are cruel out there... they find comfort and satisfaction in making fun or looking down upon people who are different.  Why was I made fun of all of my life for my weight? Do I not know I am fat? Does my weight and appearance make me a bad person? It's amazing what judgement comes along with my appearance... the looks I get no matter where I go. Children, peers, adults.. everyone looks at me like I'm some sort of freak! What a sick world we live in! That's what brought me to tears... years of hurt, pain, and embarrassment to be me, and hearing from someone else that, yes, people will treat me different afterwards made it much more of a reality (you know how hearing things from someone other than yourself puts things into more perspective for you?).  I just hope that when I reach my goal weight, I will be able to positively effect the lives of overweight people, specifically children, to change the views placed on us.  I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel what I've felt about myself.  I'm not saying I was extremely bullied or hate myself what-so-ever, but any sort of doubt in yourself, being self-conscious, or embarrassment of yourself for any reason is never right.. never justified... and a never healing wound.  My conversation today with my coworker made me decide that on Tuesday (the day before my surgery) I will publicly announce (on Facebook that is) that I will be getting this surgery. Despite people's views on this surgery (I'm sure they much nicer than their views on obesity and overweight people so I can handle it) I am damn proud that I am getting this surgery! I want people to find out directly from me- not from other people who can't keep a secret.  I think it will be liberating for me.  I guess I'll find out..

I met with my doctor last night.. I signed all of my consent forms! It was so weird! It was my third time in his office and there I was, signing papers for this surgery! I can't believe it! My mother and I were talking in the lobby of office and there was a pretty girl sitting across from us.  We knew that she had surgery because why else would she be in the office? She wasn't big enough to just be coming in for surgery! lol  Anyway, my mom whispered that she would love to know what surgery she had.  Sure enough, we all started talking and she told us she also had LapBand! I was excited because everyone else we have talked to had had either the sleeve or gastric bypass.  YAY! Finally, a fellow bandster!  Well, turns out that in just about 8 months she was down 80lbs! My mom was brought to tears.. I think it hit her that this girl could be me.. actually, I can be this girl in 8 months! My mom is slowly coming around and coming to terms with this surgery.  Her fears are very much justified and appreciated.  Just like my sister said to me tonight- once I'm passed the surgery and first few weeks and I'm a little more set with the LapBand, they'll feel much more comfortable.  I know my mom- once I start losing weight and she sees how good I look she's going to brag to everyone that this was the best thing I did and I knew this what the right thing for me despite her views on it beforehand.  MARK MY WORDS! lol

No Pre-Op diet for me!  So, I'm in full blown "last hurrah" mode and I'm eating anything and everything! lol  Probably not the best thing to do, but mentally this is what I need to do! Pizza? ok! Ice cream? HELL YEAH! Burger King? YUM- WHOPPER!!  :)