Happy 1st Birthday, Lapband!

Well.. one year ago today I was officially banded!  I still can't believe it.  I've been dreading this day for quite some time.  I'm built with disappointment in myself. At 3 months, I was down 47lbs... and now I'm here, one year out, and down 22.  I wish I was down more, but on a more positive note, I'm proud that I've gotten myself back on track.  I still can't help but think about where I would have been if I didn't lose track.  But, you can't live in the past and what if's so I have to accept that I am 22lbs lighter than I was this time last year and see that as a head start!

I think this past year has been a huge learning experience.  I still don't feel like I 100% understand my band and honestly, I don't know if I ever will.  I still don't know all of the time when I'm full; however, these past few weeks I have noticed more and more that when I think I'm hungry, the thought of food doesn't entice me as much- even without that "ugh, my stomach hurts I'm so full" feeling that I've trained myself to listen to for 28 years.  This is a constant struggle between my old programmed ways and my new ways. I'm a creature of habit when it comes to food and it's difficult not to listen to my old self sometimes, but my new self is so much smarter!  Although I'm not down to a weight or size I wish I was at this point, my band has made me much more aware of myself, health, and nutrition in general.  I find myself more and more reading articles and things about nutrition.  I've become slightly obsessed with MyFitnessPal and looking for the correct macro's for my body.  I can only hope and pray this this day next year I will be in a place physically and mentally of where I want to be.  I realize that I've spent too much time from this past year fighting my band rather than embracing it.  I can't eat this.. ugh, my stupid band is too tight for this... I'm sick of not being able to eat pizza... I wish I could eat breakfast normally... I've fought it so much.  I'm learning to embrace my band more and more and realize that it's restriction is to help me when I get weak... it's to help me get to where I truly want to be but haven't been able to get to on my own.  It's to help instill good eating habits in me that I trained myself to ignore!  The fact that I can barely eat pizza some days is a GOOD thing.. I shouldn't be disappointed in that!  I can't eat pancakes every morning? Okay, well is that really a bad thing? If I didn't get this surgery last year I honestly don't even want to think of how big I would be at this point and how incredibly unhealthy I would be.  So thank you, lapband, for allowing me to be 22lbs thinner than last year and allowing me to learn more about good eating habits.  I don't think I've treated you right this past year, but this year I promise to make your 2nd birthday the best one yet!

Happy Birthday, Lapband!