Hunger = Bitch Mode

All I can say right now is that goodness today I felt great! I mean, I felt really good today! I slept by Brian's house last night and when he took me home this morning I felt amazing! Granted it's a beautiful day outside.. the sun is shining and it's nice and warm, but me... I felt strong, proud, in control, and happy! :)  Yesterday, on the other hand was a completely different story...

So, two days ago I slept by Brian as well (so we were able to wake up on Valentine's Day together)... yesterday we woke up around 9:30 (about 2 hours after I have been waking up and 1 hour behind my eating schedule).  Well, around 10:30 is when we finally decided to get some food (well food for him and a shake for me).  First of all, let's talk about the mega-bitch I turned into because I was so hungry! Holy Moly! I decided a few days earlier that since it was Valentine's Day I was going to have my special flavored shakes for my meals that day (chocolate peanut butter, strawberry, and cake batter).  Okay, so there I am trying to make my powder shake and pour it into the water bottle- FAIL! I tried making a paper funnel and it wouldn't go in the damn bottle and started spilling all over the place. Then, I finally got the rest in the bottle and shook it up and just by the looks of it I already knew I was in store for a disgusting shake. Great, because me spilling it all over the place didn't already piss me off enough.  So I shake it up, and take a sip of my now warm protein shake... UGH! So nasty! Okay, now I'm even more of a bitch...sorry babe!  So I'm sitting at the dining room table with a puss on my face and an attitude for days while Brian is cooking what smells like the most amazing eggs on the planet! He comes and sits down with this beautiful, yellow, steaming hot plate of eggs that made my mouth water and my bitch-mode get turned up 25 notches. Did I say I was sorry yet, babe?  So, what started as a very Happy Valentine's Day has now turned into an UnHappy Valentine's Day. I sat at the table while Brian ate (which, to his credit he kept apologizing to me for eating but I insisted on sitting with him because of the day) looking out the window, quite as anything, fuming at my miserable, disgusting, gag-worthy shake!  So, once that was done, we sat in the living room and watched TV. We didn't talk for about an hour because I had to calm down and get my thoughts together.  Later on I told him how I felt and that it wasn't his fault, but I had to calm down.

So, as the day continues, I just felt tired... almost utterly exhausted, really.  We were going to the movies and actually got to the parking lot when I decided that I was too tired to watch a movie.  Now, I started drinking my second shake of the day (mind you this was around 2- so 3.5 hours after my first one and I wasn't even hungry but I wanted to stay on schedule).  I've had this shake already and knew I liked it, so that wasn't the issue.  It started almost burning the back of my throat- awesome.  So, we decided to go back home and watch American Horror Story (love that show!).  At this point, I am now miserable.  I'm in so much pain/discomfort from forcing that second shake down when I wasn't even hungry and I actually felt like the shake itself was disagreeing with me.  So between feeling nauseous, and overly full- bitch mode came back! Love ya, babe!  So, I'm moaning and groaning and watching the show and his dad asked him if he was eating with them or if we were doing something.  I told Brian just to eat with them because I can't eat (even though I wish I could).  They ordered Outback Steakhouse... YUM!  When Brian went upstairs to go order his food, I just got SO depressed.. I started crying because I felt so terrible that I wasn't able to eat.  I really just felt so sorry for myself, angry that I got the band, and felt like saying "F-U" to this entire diet plan.  When Brian came back downstairs, I wiped my tears and tried to cover up that I was upset.  We laid down together and we looked at each other and I don't remember exactly what happened, but I just burst out in pure hysterics! I couldn't stop crying... to the point that it was hard to catch my breath.  He was consoling me so much and I kept pushing him away and he kept pulling me closer to calm me down.  It was about an hour of me crying and venting how hard this is mentally and that I wasn't prepared for how hard this was going to be.  As prepared as I thought I was, you don't know how hard it is until you're in that situation.  I knew what I was in store for before I had the surgery, but I didn't realize how mentally challenging this part would be- no food for 3 weeks?!  

Eventually I calmed down and the night went on and a few hours later I fell asleep. Thank god yesterday was over. I think yesterday was my first mental breakdown this whole time in terms of how I feel about not eating and struggling. I've been emotional the entire time but not about this.  I've been strong about my struggles and have been using them as my motivation, but yesterday I couldn't hold it in.  I guess I just needed to vent.  Luckily, today was much better! I feel good and I am using my other shakes I have been and am more on my normal schedule.  :) I guess a sign of being hungry is turning bitch mode on!  Lesson learned!